Usta be.

[learnteach]

Usta be.

Reflection on roles.



I'm undergoing some existential angst here, on top of the difficult school system and the general life issues. It's not a big thing, but I thought I'd throw it out of my forebrain and onto the internet where it wouldn't bother me so much.

(Could be worse...usually it's Existential Blues! http://lyricsplayground.com/alpha/songs/e/existentialblues.shtml)

Ya see, I usta be...a lot of things that I'm not anymore. Haven't put the time in. Haven't been keeping up on the dues.

Usta be an engineer. I forget how strong a part of my personality that was. It's been 3 years since I designed/set up/hacked anything more interesting than basic computer electronics. I teach engineering, but am I really an engineer?

Usta be a martial artist. Not doing much of that in any form these days. Dojo-kun, continual practice, self improvement, arguing philosophy while drinking sake, just not doing it.

Usta be a motorcyclist. Never a biker. Now, I just ride a bike occasionally.

Wanted to be a teacher. Have found, at least at the high school science level, that I'm not cut out for it--not making me very happy. Not making me ANY money.

Usta, wanted to...what am I now?

Existential blues.

Comments

fwiw

[xot.livejournal.com]

First off, remember that you're a dynamic person. Accept that things will change, and sometimes they change in unexpected or undesired ways. I've been reading your journal and there's no doubt this teaching gig is challenging, but probably not in the ways you expected. I suspect it feels like failure? Realistically there's gonna be a few things you're not brilliant at on the first try. Not acting on a dream is far more tragic than trying something new and discovering it's not what you thought it was.

The other bits of your identity might just need to wait or be prioritized. It sounds like you're still learning skills for the teacher skill set, that's going to take time. And by default seems to have been your primary focus. I'm pretty certain your expertise and experience finessing a schedule is greater than my own, so I won't bother rambling further down that path.

I ran into a list I made a long while back about things that excite me. Make that list, get freaky-weird and put down impossible ideas, and keep it with your schedule. (Should I save a seat for you at the first table top D&D game played on Mars?)

If you're not doing SCA fighting, nor martial arts, do you need to add something physical to your routine? I can testify how great exercise is for managing stress and depression. And I was curious if you have experience in Iaido? It's new to me, but so far I enjoy it greatly. I would love to hear your wisdom on the subject.

Good luck.