learnteach (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
learnteach) wrote2005-04-18 10:01 pm
learnteach) wrote2005-04-18 10:01 pm
Aimless not formless
Warning: unthought musings on oatmeal, chaos, purpose and direction.
You were warned.
So, in looking at the shape (1) of my life right now, I'm not satisfied with it. Unless one very purposely directs oneself, choosing goals, envisioning the end result, working towards it, the habits (ingrained or enculturated or Newtonian, ie sloth) that you have will reassert themselves and reshape your life back into what it had been before.
Same as it ever was.
Same as it ever was?
Same, as it ever was.
Work and family are the primary driving forces that change lives; responsibilities external that direct you to behave certain ways. Proximity to these things is a large driving force. So, not having work, and not having my own family (being involved in my Mother's is not the same) I'm sort of drifting.
Like unstirred oatmeal, life is congealing in patterns I don't care for so much.
What patterns? I'm spending too much time online, as an anodyne to boredom. I'm not being mind ful about my food, as I said I would; it's April, and I haven't changed...well, ok, I have changed my diet and exercise, but just dropped a lot of the exercise. I'm working a lot on stopgap things, and not finishing projects or spending a lot of time getting things cleaned up. I'm doing small good deeds (giving men fish) but not great ones (teaching them how to fish.) (2) No visions are dancing across my eyes. I'm not connecting socially as well as I'd like to. I'm not making it to all my commitments. I'm getting impatient with slow people again (a vice I should avoid, and also bring a good book to gaming.)
Like oatmeal in a bowl in the morning (there's that diet thing again) I've changed the salt and raisin count but it's still the same old breakfast bowl. Not good enough. Didn't take the time off work to be same as it ever was, took the time off work to think and feel and accomplish.
Life is chaos; there are patterns (both subtle and obvious, shallow and deep, narrative and expository) and randomness, and the attitude one brings--more importantly, the focus--allows you to pick out the pattern the way you would like it. But...if you don't plan for the future, then work for it, it all repeats for you. If you need something (drama, excitement, direction, orders) and don't work for a good source for it, a bad source will turn up. I see a lot of this happening, looking at other people's livejournals, and their lives.
Life is chaos; good and bad and known and unknown intermingled. If you don't pick what you need out of the mess, you'll go wanting all the time, and draw wierd things to you.
So, how to get back to it? Easiest way would be to get a job, have that external direction applied. Second easiest, plan some things--and then you'll know what to work with. Third easiest, make commitments.
Off to think on this. Comments welcome.
Cheers!
(1) As opposed to the shape of my body, the condition of my house and yard, the future I see ahead of me. All part of the greater life, but elements worthy of consideration on their own.
(2) Or study history or get one's life together, as it were.
(3) Look where my hand was!
You were warned.
So, in looking at the shape (1) of my life right now, I'm not satisfied with it. Unless one very purposely directs oneself, choosing goals, envisioning the end result, working towards it, the habits (ingrained or enculturated or Newtonian, ie sloth) that you have will reassert themselves and reshape your life back into what it had been before.
Same as it ever was.
Same as it ever was?
Same, as it ever was.
Work and family are the primary driving forces that change lives; responsibilities external that direct you to behave certain ways. Proximity to these things is a large driving force. So, not having work, and not having my own family (being involved in my Mother's is not the same) I'm sort of drifting.
Like unstirred oatmeal, life is congealing in patterns I don't care for so much.
What patterns? I'm spending too much time online, as an anodyne to boredom. I'm not being mind ful about my food, as I said I would; it's April, and I haven't changed...well, ok, I have changed my diet and exercise, but just dropped a lot of the exercise. I'm working a lot on stopgap things, and not finishing projects or spending a lot of time getting things cleaned up. I'm doing small good deeds (giving men fish) but not great ones (teaching them how to fish.) (2) No visions are dancing across my eyes. I'm not connecting socially as well as I'd like to. I'm not making it to all my commitments. I'm getting impatient with slow people again (a vice I should avoid, and also bring a good book to gaming.)
Like oatmeal in a bowl in the morning (there's that diet thing again) I've changed the salt and raisin count but it's still the same old breakfast bowl. Not good enough. Didn't take the time off work to be same as it ever was, took the time off work to think and feel and accomplish.
Life is chaos; there are patterns (both subtle and obvious, shallow and deep, narrative and expository) and randomness, and the attitude one brings--more importantly, the focus--allows you to pick out the pattern the way you would like it. But...if you don't plan for the future, then work for it, it all repeats for you. If you need something (drama, excitement, direction, orders) and don't work for a good source for it, a bad source will turn up. I see a lot of this happening, looking at other people's livejournals, and their lives.
Life is chaos; good and bad and known and unknown intermingled. If you don't pick what you need out of the mess, you'll go wanting all the time, and draw wierd things to you.
So, how to get back to it? Easiest way would be to get a job, have that external direction applied. Second easiest, plan some things--and then you'll know what to work with. Third easiest, make commitments.
Off to think on this. Comments welcome.
Cheers!
(1) As opposed to the shape of my body, the condition of my house and yard, the future I see ahead of me. All part of the greater life, but elements worthy of consideration on their own.
(2) Or study history or get one's life together, as it were.
(3) Look where my hand was!
no subject
no subject
As opposed to planning. I don't know that I know any other way. I kind of miss asking you where you're going, what you're going to do and getting excited about the things you like. Maybe I plan too much? See what planning got me? But if I didn't have plans... I would do next to nothing. It's what I did when I was on enemployment... Great ideals, but without an active direction that I wanted to work towards, I faltered.
For me, it's kind of like this whole excercise kick I'm on. I knew I wanted to start doing something, but not what or when... So I decided to work on capoeira when the opportunity showed up, next month is a Y membership, and every day of the regular week will have some excercize in it, whether it's swimming or walking, dancing or capoeira. It's not that hard to stard doing something, you just have to do it. ^_^ Getting to the point where you care enough one way or the other, that's the hard part.
no subject
You know a bit of my chaos/BS/etc... and my attempts at resolving some of the same issues that you are facing. Some i've controlled, others still stump me, but as long as i have a plan, and follow that plan... i will get there eventually.
We need to hang out more often man... later!
no subject
Purpose and Direction come with the territory when you work with good folks. I'm not entirely sure why; are good people attracted to interesting challenges? Or do the more interesting jobs bounce the not engaged? Or do people that look to these jobs tend to reach more and in reaching inspire others? It's a mix of all I think and I love the results.
Try something different. Get a job at a museum. Or the Monterey Bay Aquarium! Maybe up on a college campus somewhere doing tech support. Something that could be fun, the stuff that's hidden under your nose everyday. You have some room financially to try jobs that attract a different crowd. Why not check it out?
For me, unrestricted time used to lead to unfocused thinking (not that I've had a lot of unrestricted time lately). I do my best work when I'm passionately involved in something dynamic... and it's tough to provide that kind of stimulation from inside. Maybe you're like me that way. Maybe not. Worth a try though.
no subject
What do you truly want? Once you know that, it's been my experience everything else flows naturally from it.