learnteach (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
learnteach) wrote2005-04-18 10:01 pm
learnteach) wrote2005-04-18 10:01 pm
Aimless not formless
Warning: unthought musings on oatmeal, chaos, purpose and direction.
You were warned.
So, in looking at the shape (1) of my life right now, I'm not satisfied with it. Unless one very purposely directs oneself, choosing goals, envisioning the end result, working towards it, the habits (ingrained or enculturated or Newtonian, ie sloth) that you have will reassert themselves and reshape your life back into what it had been before.
Same as it ever was.
Same as it ever was?
Same, as it ever was.
Work and family are the primary driving forces that change lives; responsibilities external that direct you to behave certain ways. Proximity to these things is a large driving force. So, not having work, and not having my own family (being involved in my Mother's is not the same) I'm sort of drifting.
Like unstirred oatmeal, life is congealing in patterns I don't care for so much.
What patterns? I'm spending too much time online, as an anodyne to boredom. I'm not being mind ful about my food, as I said I would; it's April, and I haven't changed...well, ok, I have changed my diet and exercise, but just dropped a lot of the exercise. I'm working a lot on stopgap things, and not finishing projects or spending a lot of time getting things cleaned up. I'm doing small good deeds (giving men fish) but not great ones (teaching them how to fish.) (2) No visions are dancing across my eyes. I'm not connecting socially as well as I'd like to. I'm not making it to all my commitments. I'm getting impatient with slow people again (a vice I should avoid, and also bring a good book to gaming.)
Like oatmeal in a bowl in the morning (there's that diet thing again) I've changed the salt and raisin count but it's still the same old breakfast bowl. Not good enough. Didn't take the time off work to be same as it ever was, took the time off work to think and feel and accomplish.
Life is chaos; there are patterns (both subtle and obvious, shallow and deep, narrative and expository) and randomness, and the attitude one brings--more importantly, the focus--allows you to pick out the pattern the way you would like it. But...if you don't plan for the future, then work for it, it all repeats for you. If you need something (drama, excitement, direction, orders) and don't work for a good source for it, a bad source will turn up. I see a lot of this happening, looking at other people's livejournals, and their lives.
Life is chaos; good and bad and known and unknown intermingled. If you don't pick what you need out of the mess, you'll go wanting all the time, and draw wierd things to you.
So, how to get back to it? Easiest way would be to get a job, have that external direction applied. Second easiest, plan some things--and then you'll know what to work with. Third easiest, make commitments.
Off to think on this. Comments welcome.
Cheers!
(1) As opposed to the shape of my body, the condition of my house and yard, the future I see ahead of me. All part of the greater life, but elements worthy of consideration on their own.
(2) Or study history or get one's life together, as it were.
(3) Look where my hand was!
You were warned.
So, in looking at the shape (1) of my life right now, I'm not satisfied with it. Unless one very purposely directs oneself, choosing goals, envisioning the end result, working towards it, the habits (ingrained or enculturated or Newtonian, ie sloth) that you have will reassert themselves and reshape your life back into what it had been before.
Same as it ever was.
Same as it ever was?
Same, as it ever was.
Work and family are the primary driving forces that change lives; responsibilities external that direct you to behave certain ways. Proximity to these things is a large driving force. So, not having work, and not having my own family (being involved in my Mother's is not the same) I'm sort of drifting.
Like unstirred oatmeal, life is congealing in patterns I don't care for so much.
What patterns? I'm spending too much time online, as an anodyne to boredom. I'm not being mind ful about my food, as I said I would; it's April, and I haven't changed...well, ok, I have changed my diet and exercise, but just dropped a lot of the exercise. I'm working a lot on stopgap things, and not finishing projects or spending a lot of time getting things cleaned up. I'm doing small good deeds (giving men fish) but not great ones (teaching them how to fish.) (2) No visions are dancing across my eyes. I'm not connecting socially as well as I'd like to. I'm not making it to all my commitments. I'm getting impatient with slow people again (a vice I should avoid, and also bring a good book to gaming.)
Like oatmeal in a bowl in the morning (there's that diet thing again) I've changed the salt and raisin count but it's still the same old breakfast bowl. Not good enough. Didn't take the time off work to be same as it ever was, took the time off work to think and feel and accomplish.
Life is chaos; there are patterns (both subtle and obvious, shallow and deep, narrative and expository) and randomness, and the attitude one brings--more importantly, the focus--allows you to pick out the pattern the way you would like it. But...if you don't plan for the future, then work for it, it all repeats for you. If you need something (drama, excitement, direction, orders) and don't work for a good source for it, a bad source will turn up. I see a lot of this happening, looking at other people's livejournals, and their lives.
Life is chaos; good and bad and known and unknown intermingled. If you don't pick what you need out of the mess, you'll go wanting all the time, and draw wierd things to you.
So, how to get back to it? Easiest way would be to get a job, have that external direction applied. Second easiest, plan some things--and then you'll know what to work with. Third easiest, make commitments.
Off to think on this. Comments welcome.
Cheers!
(1) As opposed to the shape of my body, the condition of my house and yard, the future I see ahead of me. All part of the greater life, but elements worthy of consideration on their own.
(2) Or study history or get one's life together, as it were.
(3) Look where my hand was!
no subject
Purpose and Direction come with the territory when you work with good folks. I'm not entirely sure why; are good people attracted to interesting challenges? Or do the more interesting jobs bounce the not engaged? Or do people that look to these jobs tend to reach more and in reaching inspire others? It's a mix of all I think and I love the results.
Try something different. Get a job at a museum. Or the Monterey Bay Aquarium! Maybe up on a college campus somewhere doing tech support. Something that could be fun, the stuff that's hidden under your nose everyday. You have some room financially to try jobs that attract a different crowd. Why not check it out?
For me, unrestricted time used to lead to unfocused thinking (not that I've had a lot of unrestricted time lately). I do my best work when I'm passionately involved in something dynamic... and it's tough to provide that kind of stimulation from inside. Maybe you're like me that way. Maybe not. Worth a try though.