Beginning

The sky is blue and clear, and the sun chased away the dew an hour ago--in another hour, it will hurt to feel it on the back of my neck. I'm beginning this journal with the hope and intent that my recent confusions/disarray can be cleared up, and also to log how my weight loss/health plans are going. And other reasons, of course.

Today is the first day of another diet; the goal, this time, to drop from 350 to 230 lbs in a healthy manner and then maintain that weight. Everyone who meets me tells me I carry 350 well, but it's still too much to carry. Although the examination and the blood test show that I'm very healthy (which is to say they didn't find any problems) I want the energy I had before back; I want the fear of blowing out a joint because I moved wrong gone, and I want to be able to buy clothes normally (ok, abnormally, but International Male has such fun clothes). And there's a tangled mental situation too, involving self image/ self confidence/ group dynamics.

What else? One big point of a journal (hey, where does that word come from? Is it related to journey?)(...from searching: "By definition a journal is a "periodical publication" (OED sb. 6) ..." from http://www.chass.utoronto.ca/chass/epub4.html but that's not the root, only the definition.) is to mark things as one goes along; blazes or memory cairns in the journey of life.

So, to add the rocks to this mornings pile: work is out of control with mis-communication. Weight is ?? but was 251 on Friday. Weekend was ketosis inducing meat diet; now on protein heavy limited calorie diet. So, on to work...

Burnout

Energy. That's why I'm trying to lose weight. More energy to dance, to play, to learn, to teach, to woo--to enjoy life, to accomplish things.

Why don't I have it? I'm burned out at work. I'm convinced work doesn't matter--yet, it must; I voluntarily entered into this agreement, and am well recompensed. There are good burnout (professional) resources online--and after skimming a few, here's the new plan.

1. Don't take it personally, take it professionally.
I've agreed to provide communication, thought and physical labor, as well as self transport, to this company. In return, I get money. Tasks given to me, whether smart or stupid, usefull or bullshit, are a professional need. Never a personal challenge. Communications must be clear and professional at all times.

1a. Therefor, I will determine the preferred mode with every contact, but document all work through email, reporting success/failure in a timely manner.
(corollary: Once it's gone for whatever reason, document it and leave it behind. Don't sweat the mistakes, just avoid 'em.)

1b. Therefor, I shall present a professional appearance at all times in communciation, whether on the phone, in person, or written. This includes appearance, tone of voice, choice of vocabulary, and not laughing and fuckwit management (hard to do, but why not compose poetry about the issues later? Better practice for poetry. Less of a CLM (Career Limiting Move, not that I can advance this career much.)

1c. Work ends when the day is done (whenever that may be) and the work computer will be shut down.
(corollary: Then basic paperwork must be a #1 priority, and work hours set and followed more diligently.

2. Don't Overnurturing; recognize limits. Don't take on problems unless it is mainstream to the job, or advances you professionally. (Hmm. Must have a goal to advance myself professionally, right?)

2a. Detach. Document Todo's and do them; never remember, never quit--just read the list and whack them out.

3. Use the Tools provided.
3a. Go hassle IT about the computer problems, and start using the personal organizer.

4. Go home. Ok, I'll come back to this later.

Food/Mood for today

Breakfast: 1 shake, pectin
Lunch: Noonish. Chipotle: 3 soft chicken tacos with salsa and lettuce, Diet Coke.
Snack: Handful of dried fruit.
Dinner (9 PM): Orange beef salad--greens, onion, 1 sm orange, 3.5 oz beef, soy sauce, basil, mung bean sprouts, Diet Decaf coke

In between: about 10 fructose tabs.
Last: Now, water.

Walked 20 min for exercise.
Water: Lots. Lots. Lots.

What good: Didn't eat in car, didn't run out of blood sugar.
Needs help: More exercise, plan meal times better.

Tomorrow: Morning decaf coffee shake, pear; work lunch; afternoon bar, evening ?? Chicken, steamed broccoli, salad.

Mood good.