In honor of Leigh Ann,
Aug. 30th, 2011 10:24 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
learnteachInspired by Risa, another woman of many wonderful qualities. Stole this from another web page.
Dear Jodi,
Thank you for arranging this luncheon for Sharon. I'm deciding what
to order, and I have a question.
What about us carnivores? I want meat. Red raw meat. I want them to lead
it in on a rope and I want it to "moo" when I bite into it. I don't want
anybody I know to see me eating "rice pilaf" or "chicken Fresco". In fact
I don't want anybody who knows anybody I know to see me doing so. I want a
dignified American meal of steak and potatoes by God, served with flagons of
blood-red wine. I want Hungarian red wine, with a picture of a cow on the
label. I want to think about Eastern Europeans making this wine for slave
wages and making it badly. I want the whole bottle. I want several. I want
it served on a white tablecloth and I want that tablecloth to be so soiled
when we're done that it can't even be used for rags. I want a meal to
remember, in the midst of bawdy company. I want someone to tell off-color
jokes and I want us all to laugh till we cry. I want some of us to discover
that the person we've mumbled at as we've passed in the halls these last
5 years is a sexual rogue. I want several people to fail to return to work
afterward. I want to see a disciplinary memo sent down from the director's
office in the wake of all this. I want the restaurant to refuse to serve
anyone from the Lab for the next two years. I want to generate gossip. I
want media coverage. I want arrests. I want some careers to be launched and
others destroyed. I want this luncheon to divide time into a before and
an after. Despite her acute embarrassment at all this, I want Sharon to
change her mind and stay.
That's what I REALLY want. I just KNOW you're going to tell me I can't
have it. So I'll get back to you with my food order.
Jim
Or, if you'd like it put more emphatically:
From: dfx@usis.com (dfx)
Newsgroups: rec.food.veg,alt.mcdonalds,alt.flame,alt.politics.usa.republican,
alt.food.taco-bell, alt.food.mcdonalds, alt.fan.rush-limbaugh,
alt.culture.oregon, alt.agriculture.misc, soc.culture.indian,
alt.fan.jai-maharaj
Subject: Re: ANTI BEEF (Maharaj can kiss my meat eating ass)
Organization: MEAT EATING, EARTH KILLING, PUNK R0CK M0THER FUKERZ
jai@aloha.com (Dr. Jai Maharaj) writes:
> * Meat-eaters have higher blood pressure, are more
>hypertensive and violent. Public funds are used for research and
>treatment. Everyone is forced to pay the price of violence and
>crime. Meat-eaters hurt themselves, their families and others.
>
> Meat-eaters hurt everyone.
> Meat-eaters hurt everyone.
> Meat-eaters hurt everyone.
AND WE'RE DAMN PROUD OF IT T00, Y0U ST00PID FR00T L00P.
After reading Ja-I-have-no-clue's lame ass, crap filled, VEGATUBULZ R
PE0PUL T00 message for the 10,000th time in the last month, I was
inspired to leave the house and make a dramatic change in my eating
habits. As I pulled up to the McDonald's drive-thru and gazed at the
death infested menu which was so obviously responsible for breast cancer,
arthritis, Erik Estrada, racism, and every tragedy in the last 9,000,000
years, Jai's words really touched me and I had a change of heart. Instead
of my usual "Can I have a #3 combo with a coke, please?", I shouted,
"Y0 B1TCH! I WANT A FUKN QUADRO-P0UNDER W1TH N0 FUKN VEGETABULZ 0R SH1T
THAT GR0WZ 0N TREEZ!"
"Ok sir, you wanted a Quarter pounder, just plain, is that correct?"
"N0 B1TCH! I ZED I WANTED A FUKN QUADR0-P0UNDER! GET IT R1TE 0R DIE!"
"A what pounder?!"
"A FUKN QUADR0-P0UNDER!"
"Uh.. I don't think we have that. Are you sure you don't mean a quarter
pounder?"
"N0 I D0N'T MEEN A FUKN MEEZLY AZZ QUARTUR P0UNDER! HERE'Z WHAT I WANT -
2 FUKN D0UBLE QUARTER P0UNDERZ PUT T0GETHER 2 MAKE 1 QUADR0 P0UNDER!"
"Ooohhh.. you want *2* double quarter pounders then?"
"N0 B1TCH! I WANT 1 FUKN QUADR0 P0UNDER! TAKE THE 2 D0UBLEZ, PUT THEM
T0GETHUR AND GIV ME 1 QUADR0! U G0T IT YET BRAINIAK?"
"Oh! Ok.. I think we can do that. Would you like cheese on that?"
"FUK N0 B1TCH! I WANT 4 H0T SLABZ 0F C0W DETH 0N A BUN WITH N0 FUKING
HIPPIE AZZ VEGETABULZ! I ALZ0 D0NT WANT ANY FUKING LAME VEGAN FRIEZ
0R ANY TYPE 0F RECYKULD PAKAGING. N0 KUP, N0 BAG, N0 WRAPPERZ.. PUT
THE SHIT 0N THE WIND0W K0UNTER THING AND I WILL TAKE IT. AND TELL JAI
T0 G0 FUK A K0K0NUT T00!"
"Who?!"
"FUK IT & GIMME THAT WHICH IZ THE S0URCE 0F ALL EVIL... N0W!"
"Thank you. Please drive to the 2nd window."
For the record, I got my fucking Quadro pounder and it r0cked. I am
faxing McDonald's tomorrow and demanding that this awesome item be
permanently added to every McDonald's menu around the world.
I'm a meat eater.
I'm hypertensive.
I'm violent.
And if you get in between me and a plate of animal death, I will fucking
kill your pathetic ass and then go kill some trees in order to build a
coffin to bury you in.
DETH IZ IMMINENT. THE EARTH MUZT DIE. MEAT EATERZ ARE THE MAJ0RITY AND
WE'R FUKIN PISSED. GIVE US WHAT WE WANT 0R BE PREPARED T0 FACE THE WRATH.
Drunkfux . cDc - Cult Of The Dead Cow . Senior Vice Prez
ftp.eff.org : /pub/Publications/CuD/CDC
alt.fan.cult-dead-cow
Dear Jodi,
Thank you for arranging this luncheon for Sharon. I'm deciding what
to order, and I have a question.
What about us carnivores? I want meat. Red raw meat. I want them to lead
it in on a rope and I want it to "moo" when I bite into it. I don't want
anybody I know to see me eating "rice pilaf" or "chicken Fresco". In fact
I don't want anybody who knows anybody I know to see me doing so. I want a
dignified American meal of steak and potatoes by God, served with flagons of
blood-red wine. I want Hungarian red wine, with a picture of a cow on the
label. I want to think about Eastern Europeans making this wine for slave
wages and making it badly. I want the whole bottle. I want several. I want
it served on a white tablecloth and I want that tablecloth to be so soiled
when we're done that it can't even be used for rags. I want a meal to
remember, in the midst of bawdy company. I want someone to tell off-color
jokes and I want us all to laugh till we cry. I want some of us to discover
that the person we've mumbled at as we've passed in the halls these last
5 years is a sexual rogue. I want several people to fail to return to work
afterward. I want to see a disciplinary memo sent down from the director's
office in the wake of all this. I want the restaurant to refuse to serve
anyone from the Lab for the next two years. I want to generate gossip. I
want media coverage. I want arrests. I want some careers to be launched and
others destroyed. I want this luncheon to divide time into a before and
an after. Despite her acute embarrassment at all this, I want Sharon to
change her mind and stay.
That's what I REALLY want. I just KNOW you're going to tell me I can't
have it. So I'll get back to you with my food order.
Jim
Or, if you'd like it put more emphatically:
From: dfx@usis.com (dfx)
Newsgroups: rec.food.veg,alt.mcdonalds,alt.flame,alt.politics.usa.republican,
alt.food.taco-bell, alt.food.mcdonalds, alt.fan.rush-limbaugh,
alt.culture.oregon, alt.agriculture.misc, soc.culture.indian,
alt.fan.jai-maharaj
Subject: Re: ANTI BEEF (Maharaj can kiss my meat eating ass)
Organization: MEAT EATING, EARTH KILLING, PUNK R0CK M0THER FUKERZ
jai@aloha.com (Dr. Jai Maharaj) writes:
> * Meat-eaters have higher blood pressure, are more
>hypertensive and violent. Public funds are used for research and
>treatment. Everyone is forced to pay the price of violence and
>crime. Meat-eaters hurt themselves, their families and others.
>
> Meat-eaters hurt everyone.
> Meat-eaters hurt everyone.
> Meat-eaters hurt everyone.
AND WE'RE DAMN PROUD OF IT T00, Y0U ST00PID FR00T L00P.
After reading Ja-I-have-no-clue's lame ass, crap filled, VEGATUBULZ R
PE0PUL T00 message for the 10,000th time in the last month, I was
inspired to leave the house and make a dramatic change in my eating
habits. As I pulled up to the McDonald's drive-thru and gazed at the
death infested menu which was so obviously responsible for breast cancer,
arthritis, Erik Estrada, racism, and every tragedy in the last 9,000,000
years, Jai's words really touched me and I had a change of heart. Instead
of my usual "Can I have a #3 combo with a coke, please?", I shouted,
"Y0 B1TCH! I WANT A FUKN QUADRO-P0UNDER W1TH N0 FUKN VEGETABULZ 0R SH1T
THAT GR0WZ 0N TREEZ!"
"Ok sir, you wanted a Quarter pounder, just plain, is that correct?"
"N0 B1TCH! I ZED I WANTED A FUKN QUADR0-P0UNDER! GET IT R1TE 0R DIE!"
"A what pounder?!"
"A FUKN QUADR0-P0UNDER!"
"Uh.. I don't think we have that. Are you sure you don't mean a quarter
pounder?"
"N0 I D0N'T MEEN A FUKN MEEZLY AZZ QUARTUR P0UNDER! HERE'Z WHAT I WANT -
2 FUKN D0UBLE QUARTER P0UNDERZ PUT T0GETHER 2 MAKE 1 QUADR0 P0UNDER!"
"Ooohhh.. you want *2* double quarter pounders then?"
"N0 B1TCH! I WANT 1 FUKN QUADR0 P0UNDER! TAKE THE 2 D0UBLEZ, PUT THEM
T0GETHUR AND GIV ME 1 QUADR0! U G0T IT YET BRAINIAK?"
"Oh! Ok.. I think we can do that. Would you like cheese on that?"
"FUK N0 B1TCH! I WANT 4 H0T SLABZ 0F C0W DETH 0N A BUN WITH N0 FUKING
HIPPIE AZZ VEGETABULZ! I ALZ0 D0NT WANT ANY FUKING LAME VEGAN FRIEZ
0R ANY TYPE 0F RECYKULD PAKAGING. N0 KUP, N0 BAG, N0 WRAPPERZ.. PUT
THE SHIT 0N THE WIND0W K0UNTER THING AND I WILL TAKE IT. AND TELL JAI
T0 G0 FUK A K0K0NUT T00!"
"Who?!"
"FUK IT & GIMME THAT WHICH IZ THE S0URCE 0F ALL EVIL... N0W!"
"Thank you. Please drive to the 2nd window."
For the record, I got my fucking Quadro pounder and it r0cked. I am
faxing McDonald's tomorrow and demanding that this awesome item be
permanently added to every McDonald's menu around the world.
I'm a meat eater.
I'm hypertensive.
I'm violent.
And if you get in between me and a plate of animal death, I will fucking
kill your pathetic ass and then go kill some trees in order to build a
coffin to bury you in.
DETH IZ IMMINENT. THE EARTH MUZT DIE. MEAT EATERZ ARE THE MAJ0RITY AND
WE'R FUKIN PISSED. GIVE US WHAT WE WANT 0R BE PREPARED T0 FACE THE WRATH.
Drunkfux . cDc - Cult Of The Dead Cow . Senior Vice Prez
ftp.eff.org : /pub/Publications/CuD/CDC
alt.fan.cult-dead-cow
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2011-08-31 03:48 pm (UTC)ow
OUCH!
I just hurt myself laughing. I love my vege and vegan friends, I do. And when the apocalypse comes I'm sure their tender unsullied flesh will be much nicer than mine. But I am omnivorous, and some days a meatasarous, and they will just have to deal with that dirt on my soul.
no subject
Date: 2011-08-31 04:54 pm (UTC)No dirty vegetables, check.
;-)
no subject
Date: 2011-08-31 05:14 pm (UTC)Tasty, tasty murder. ;)
no subject
Date: 2011-09-04 12:19 am (UTC)No, soy is murder.
Meat is dinner ... and lunch ... and breakfast ... and snacks ... and, oh, excuse me, I need to rummage around in the kitchen for something :-)
no subject
Date: 2011-08-31 11:37 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-08-31 11:39 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-09-04 12:20 am (UTC)I couldn't help myself. I butted right in and said, "Someone who doesn't like food."
The mom smiled :-)
no subject
Date: 2011-09-11 06:32 am (UTC)J_i_m_r is right.