Social Fu

[learnteach]

Or, as once was said, Bad Juju. Three things have come to sour my little green apples:

1. HurleyFu. I made an offhand comment in the morning relating to my (male) roomates aggressiveness to his girlfriend. This is monday morning, mind you. Before coffee. He, Sunday at the game, played with his usual gung-hoed ness, which included at one point humping backward on the ground to try to get his feet to the ball--while my leg was on the ground near his groin. Funny, but not if I want to maintain some cohesion in one knee or another.

ANYWAY, he sent an email saying "HEy, someone complained, am I being to aggressive?" SO ANYWAY (note teenaged girl emote mode) I had to apologize to him--I didn't want to bring it up behind his back, it's more an insight into his personality than a complaint, but if he responds to her (knowing it came from me) then I have to respond in the same forum SO it started a whole nasty discussion, which perhaps was pending, about the level we want to play and aggressiveness and ANYWAY so in typical newsgroup/mailing list fashion EVERYTHING is getting BLOWN OUT OF PROPORTION.

And now, SO ANYWAY, I feel like I perciptated this (spelling bad!) and don't want to talk to the female roomie, because all this fu is flying around, and I don't feel like dealing with it, but I set it off because I spoke before coffee. And it's my sense of honor that made me apologize and ask questions. And start the shitstorm on the list.

and...and...and...hurley was the one truely enjoyable thang right now. Besides dancing, but hurley is *new* and fun.

2. My mother, in her desire to not be old and without someone to fix things, catch rats and make sure that the doors are all locked (she works at the local hospital running the locked suite and doing crisis intervention for the Psych Ward) is again proposing that we buy a place together. On one hand, I want to help my mother, and we do get along, BUT on the other hand, it pretty much puts a rocky shoal in front of any either A. Serious party ideas or B. Chasing women ideas. I'm going to want to chase women at some point here. I'm even going to want to catch them. Marry one and have kids, even. Soon.

And she wants a decision as soon as possible so she can start house-hunting. My brother (who has been fulfilling this role) is moving out; he had privacy issues. I know I can't live in the same common space because all my things mysteriously end up in the garage, my room or the trash can...common, I fear, as women are socialized that they need to care about and control the space. (The Man's home may be his castle, but the chatelaine holds the keys.) Wants to buy a duplex, which is a pricey way to go....and needs me to buy in, because she's retired and doesn't have enough of an income base.

Ah di mio.

When I said I didn't want to commit to it, she said "Fish or cut bait", but I know if I say no A) I'llhurt her and B) she'll come back with another proposal and C) she
will turn up the guilt, which doesn't work as well as it might but I'm more likely to swallow irritation than yell at my mother.

aaaaaand.

3) This is framed by her pushing me towards getting a gastric bypass. Yes, my weight's way up, but I see that as a fix the symptom rather than cure the problem. She also keeps telling me I'm depressed; hey, if you felt trapped in your job, and sad about recent emotional things, you probably would look depressed too. "But we're worried about you surviving"...the signs are ok, don't care to go hypochondriac about things. Weight is waaay up (the failed marraige attempt did not help) and there's suddenly a lot more grey in my hair (happens to all of us) but I'm turning it around on the exercise front and not doing that badly with eating.

Oh, and she has some choice comments about the women I keep company with. What is it that makes her see anyone I hang out with as wanting to marry me?


and

3.5 this ties into how things are with my brother Rex. I'd really like to help him out; as she gets older she shuts down more of his life (straightforward protection: she fears wierdos and nutcases (because she works with them all day) so he's not allowed out after dark, even though he did fine with it for 10 years. He has no outlet but passive aggression, and I'd like to give him a chance to pull it together.
How can I, though, without selling my future to my mother?

Sheesh.

Ok, enough whining. Hot tubbed last night and the knee and back feel better, still feels like a rib out of alignment (don't tell Mom, she doesn't believe this can happen and will argue with you about it.) but it will ease back in during stretches.


...I have agreed to move back in after I sell my house and my brother K moves out, but I am planning to take that time as a sabbatical for at least 6 months.

G'night.

Comments

[cvirtue.livejournal.com]

The territory thing is difficult to diffuse, if you move in with her, or even she with you. Just the same as a romantic relationship. If you start in a fresh place, it won't be her own household, it will more likely be a joint household.

[noressa.livejournal.com]

Family.... That's a hard one to deal with. At least, for me. There aren't going to be any easy solutions, but you know that already... If it's not a good place in your life to move in with her, then you shouldn't, though. Not unless you did a split level apartment like thing with locking doors and no access between levels. And that's not what she was going for. Would she start imposing the same restrictions on you that she is with Rex is my next concern...

Gastric bypass. Eep.

Job foo- Hopefully you can find something now that will get you out of that stress... See how that makes you feel before making any inalterable life choices....

[rustmon.livejournal.com]

*HUG* We're here for ya, man - the shitstorm will pass.

As for the Mom thing; I wonder if you could set some boundaries? I agree - a new place is one equally shared, not you moving in somewhere. And a duplex would work well in that - Also, in making sure that you brother can do what he wants to do, too; if you can set up the living situation the way you want, then maybe you can have some effect on that as well.

Just my .02 - lemme know if you wanna chat.

[klwilliams.livejournal.com]

You did the "live with Mom" thing, remember? It didn't work out. Don't do it again. Live near her, but not next door and not with her.

All the women who date you don't want to marry you, they just want to spend more time with you.

Weigh yourself today (and take measurements), then weigh yourself in exactly three months. Based on that, make your decision about the gastric bypass.

[roswtr.livejournal.com]

I had a gastric bypass at the beginning of November -- I'll avoid the jumping up and down screaming "It's the best thing I've ever done!" enthusiasm and just say it's not a decision to be made hastily. I researched and debated for a couple of years.

Let me know if you want info.

Rose

[vew.livejournal.com]

Breathe..... In one, two, three, four
Out two three four
And Repeat often

calm slow ...

watch how you feel...

Lots of things going on, so take the time and you have to do what is best for you, sometimes that takes some thought to work out.

hugs and you are in our prayers

[daibhidhbeag.livejournal.com]

I moved back in with my mom went she had surgery for breast cancer and did radiation. I stayed another 4-5 months afterwards to make sure everything was handled and keep the bills paid until she started work again.

Short of illness, it's not something I'd do again. I love my mom, but I'm not the high school kid that used to live there. Or her little child. Romantic relationships are really difficult in that scenario and a lot of time gets eaten spending time with 'family'.

Personally, I'd never buy a house with my mom. I can understand the need to unload possessions and step in to help out for a bit. But don't let it become the chains that shackle you to the area and prevent you from achieving your dreams.

-Db

[xot.livejournal.com]

Sounds like you're trying to convince yourself that you have enough grounds to refuse you mother. Jase/kno? You are conflicted. You want to do the right thing for yourself AND for your family.(But you know that, right) My free advise, which is always worth the asking price, is to explore the stranges wierdest alternatives. It's not that they'll help directly, but they might generate more workable ideas and accentuate everyone's actual needs.

Depression. It seems to be natures punishment for thinking, or daring to live well. It would be truely remarkable if you weren't suffering from depression. Little comfort that is!

My heart goes out to you. I wish you good luck, good fortune, and many happy thoughts.

[theredhead.livejournal.com]

I say the following knowing the kind of responsible person you tend to be with things such as family issues, because I am that person too *smile*

You’ve clearly laid out what is important to you here, and I say stick to those goals. Doing things for yourself, finding your own happiness, having the occasional party, starting the family you want are all important things. Don’t give them up or shunt them aside just because your Mom wants you to do something. Yes, it may hurt her feelings, but will it hurt less or will it hurt more when you do get married and want to move? Not to mention how impossible it would be to sell half of a duplex in order to use the equity for a family home.

Saying no to your Mom is a very difficult thing but it *is* valid. It’s also more than okay to tell her that applying guilt is not fair just because you aren’t doing exactly what she wants. You may be her offspring, but you are also an adult with a life of your own. With privacy issues of your own as well. Nothing wrong with that.

I gave up a decade of my life to my parents because I am The Responsible One ™. Looking back I did what needed to be done, but I certainly didn’t have to bear the entire burden myself. In fact, I think it would have helped my mother a great deal as a person to have to be responsible and take care of herself and such during that time. After all, she was the Mom, right? She just came to expect the things I did for the family and it took her a veeeeery long time to appreciate what I had done. At one point I became so frustrated with her and her trying to guilt me into taking a particular action (NOTHING beats Catholic mother guilt) I asked her ‘Why are you trying to make me act against all the independence / live my life type of things you spent so long teaching me growing up?’ She didn’t have an answer. Ask me sometime how I ‘convinced’ her that I was not going to discuss certain topics with her.

Yes, responsibility and helping out the family is a good thing. But there is a limit. Don’t give your life up in order to accommodate theirs.

Regarding the gastric bypass surgery, I’m not a proponent of it. You have to change your way of life and your way of eating after you have the surgery, so why not try that first? There is also no guarantee that it will work – 2 of the gals who work here have had it, and with one 2 years post-op and the other a year post-op they’ve only lost a total of 40 or 50 lbs between them. Because they lack the discipline to maintain the regime required, and instead have indulged themselves to the point that the surgery did little good other than cost a great deal of money and no little amount of pain.

I think a better idea is to take some of the $$ one would spend on the surgery and invest it in a personal trainer instead. Having someone to apply the discipline that is so difficult to maintain when one works out alone will go much farther and be a much healthier option in my mind.

There are also fairly serious risks associated with gastric bypass surgery as well.

I happen to think that some of the women you know are wonderful people, but that’s a personal opinion *grin*

-the redhead-