Usta be.

[learnteach]

Usta be.

Reflection on roles.



I'm undergoing some existential angst here, on top of the difficult school system and the general life issues. It's not a big thing, but I thought I'd throw it out of my forebrain and onto the internet where it wouldn't bother me so much.

(Could be worse...usually it's Existential Blues! http://lyricsplayground.com/alpha/songs/e/existentialblues.shtml)

Ya see, I usta be...a lot of things that I'm not anymore. Haven't put the time in. Haven't been keeping up on the dues.

Usta be an engineer. I forget how strong a part of my personality that was. It's been 3 years since I designed/set up/hacked anything more interesting than basic computer electronics. I teach engineering, but am I really an engineer?

Usta be a martial artist. Not doing much of that in any form these days. Dojo-kun, continual practice, self improvement, arguing philosophy while drinking sake, just not doing it.

Usta be a motorcyclist. Never a biker. Now, I just ride a bike occasionally.

Wanted to be a teacher. Have found, at least at the high school science level, that I'm not cut out for it--not making me very happy. Not making me ANY money.

Usta, wanted to...what am I now?

Existential blues.

Comments

[klwilliams.livejournal.com]

I've been feeling that lately, too. I'm not really a programmer anymore. I hate the "Are you...*technical*?" question in interviews. I'm not a fighter in the SCA anymore. I'm hanging on to being a scribe, but just barely.

[beanolc.livejournal.com]

Saying that you're not cut out to be a teacher isn't fair if you leave it at surface level. You have every single quality needed for a good teacher; it is not shortcomings on your part that make this job a bad fit. I lay the blame on the system. If you were to succeed in this system, what part of yourself would you have to sell? The sacrifices aren't worth enough.

So if you say you're not cut out to be a teacher, please look beyond the surface of that statement.

[cvirtue.livejournal.com]

I'm with Beanolc. This teaching situation is not a reasonable test of your teaching abilities, in the same way that a 55-degree slope is not a fair test of your uphill walking abilities.

Now, maybe you do want to throw in the towel on teaching, and that's your choice, but don't do it with data from this school.

So -- when you want to ignore things, play hookie, obsess about something you're not supposed to be doing, what are those things? That's where you'll probably find your next passion.

fwiw

[xot.livejournal.com]

First off, remember that you're a dynamic person. Accept that things will change, and sometimes they change in unexpected or undesired ways. I've been reading your journal and there's no doubt this teaching gig is challenging, but probably not in the ways you expected. I suspect it feels like failure? Realistically there's gonna be a few things you're not brilliant at on the first try. Not acting on a dream is far more tragic than trying something new and discovering it's not what you thought it was.

The other bits of your identity might just need to wait or be prioritized. It sounds like you're still learning skills for the teacher skill set, that's going to take time. And by default seems to have been your primary focus. I'm pretty certain your expertise and experience finessing a schedule is greater than my own, so I won't bother rambling further down that path.

I ran into a list I made a long while back about things that excite me. Make that list, get freaky-weird and put down impossible ideas, and keep it with your schedule. (Should I save a seat for you at the first table top D&D game played on Mars?)

If you're not doing SCA fighting, nor martial arts, do you need to add something physical to your routine? I can testify how great exercise is for managing stress and depression. And I was curious if you have experience in Iaido? It's new to me, but so far I enjoy it greatly. I would love to hear your wisdom on the subject.

Good luck.

[marysdress.livejournal.com]

I can relate, but...

I'm with the people who say that you can't judge your ability to be a teacher on your current experience. Consider this:

You meet a fighter in the SCA. He was a successful athlete outside the SCA. Since joining the SCA six months ago, he's gone to only backyard practice full of nothing but dukes and shiny new knights. He's gotten sporadic help, but mostly he's gotten his clock cleaned. He's convinced he does not have a future as a fighter in the SCA. What do you say to him? And how is his situation different than yours?

You started in the deep end of the teaching pool with very little training. There's programs at places like Harvard (and other universities I think) to provide instruction for mid-career switches to teaching that I imagine also help the graduates land in teaching positions not in the dregs of the system. Maybe teaching isn't for you - but I wouldn't write it off based on your current situation.

[kawgirl.livejournal.com]

In addition to what everyone else has said, there are reasons you decided to try the path that you are on. There was something about "usta be" that you didn't much like and that made you want to try something else. Now, it may be that you are ready to make this path a "usta be," but I think it's helpful to look forward and not backward.

Further I agree with everyone who has made comments about not judging your teaching ability from this one experience. I think with a little bit of training and your knowledge of what it's actually like out there, you could turn it around...if it is what you choose to do.

[collie13.livejournal.com]

A thought: do you still want to do any of your "useta's"? If not, why lament their passing? Didn't you have fun doing them? Remember that instead. And if so, why not find partners to do them with? I know I want to start doing aikido again, and I'm sure there are plenty of folks in the SCA who'd love to do more things with you.